I have found my experience of the Divine in being a woman. In my connection to guidance, and the small folds of my vulva. In the pulse and patterns of life. In following shamelessness, like a witch, further into the dark. Where the unknown is freedom.
People have made a lot of assumptions about me over the years. As if I popped out of the womb free. And my body has always been home. They assume I am capable of guiding them, because I am “other.”
But there are no “others” here. Only masks, props, and marketing.
There is, however, a resounding question that perhaps you have heard, but ignored.
“Do you want to LIVE?”
At 13 I sat with that question as I looked at a large kitchen knife. I thought about the logistics of slitting my wrists. Who would miss me? What would I give up? And the answers were not even remotely compelling.
So, I went out and bought a single rose. And I spent 12 hours looking at it. The gorgeous but imperfect petals. Its scent. Uniqueness. And I knew that having also been cut off from my roots and power, we would both die in my childhood house.
I moved out the next day. With my few belongings in garbage bags. And I fought for my life after that, with a sweet but profound fierceness.
You see, most people have not chosen clearly between life and death. So they live somewhere in the middle. They are not sated or richly happy, but function well enough to pass as human. They invest in distractions and pretenses. They buy a bigger car or house, but wait to invest in knowing who they are.
“Maybe next year. After the bills. After the bigger TV. After I feel safe.”
I’ve had houses. Cars. And TV’s. But I sank the bulk of my savings into getting support to BE IN my life. To choose how I lived from my center.
No one can control everything that happens to them. However, being able to show up within it, has created an existence I could not have imagined. My fullness is not dependent on anything other than being here. Everything else? Is a yummy extra.
I realized this after losing everything I owned to malpractice at 29. I realized I had a safety and belonging that couldn’t be bought. A sense of self that didn’t require external validation. And a relationship to fear that allowed me to do anything.
I also could feel my deeper hungers. The four very accessible things that made me happy. And knew that my capacity to love and be loved, made me ready for a pretty fucking incredible partnership.
Regardless of my wealth or status, I was now somebody who was totally myself. I was the same woman taking showers with frogs and snakes, under the watchful gaze of monkeys in the jungle. And the same person having a glass of Chardonnay on the 35th floor of a fancy Portland restaurant in a cocktail dress. There was something in me flexible, and unshakable. Something soft, but wild in its fullness. Something completely undomesticated. And committed to being alive.
I am offering DARE as an invitation to your own freedom. The women who have reached out to be part of the group are actively CHOOSING to be alive. This is not a year long group about sex. It’s a group about being who you are. There is no right age or moment to make your choice to LIVE. Mine was at 13 looking at a kitchen knife. Is this yours? If so, let’s talk.