The thing that is the hardest for me in romantic relationships, is to let people fail. To let the whole thing fail. To voice what is hurting me, express my feelings visibly, and then if there no problem solving offered? Walk away.
In the past, this has felt like not trying hard enough. Or like an act of abandonment. Because I have a million solutions and over two decades of skills. If my partner was bringing up the same issues to me, I could attend to them quickly and lovingly.
Because of this, I have patched many holes in sinking boats. It didn’t matter. Those boats went down anyway.
I am at my edge again. Wanting to outsmart the bone truths I have felt. Knowing that when I offer solutions I take away a man’s pride and encroach on his sovereignty. That my enormous skill set is not usually helpful, it is intimidating. And I am enabling him to stay small because I am scared he is small.
What I first saw as offering love, I now see as coddling someone out of a lack of trust.
I am learning that any real hope of intimacy requires a warrioress to thrive alone. To show up tender. And with an open heart when her teeth are snarling. To throw back the rotten meat and trust that she may eat again before there is a threat of death.
My faith is forged in fear, fervor, and longing.
I am starting to trust it.